Wednesday, 18 October 2017

Monthly Music Spotlight: The Vampire Beach Babes

Logo taken from
My husband introduced me to this band! I think it was even before we started dating and we were just friends. He came over to my house and brought over a compilation CD for us to listen to. The song "Gothic Surf-A-Rama" came on at the end of the CD and I was hooked! After doing some research on this band, I discovered they are fellow Canadians from Toronto, Ontario. Hey, this is something to be proud of! Aside from Skinny Puppy and Rhea's Obsession there are not many bands from Canada that I enjoy.

On behalf of Canada, I sincerely apologize for unleashing Celine Dion and Justin Bieber to the world! I hang my head in shame! For shame, I tell you, for shame!  It is nice that I can say there is some music I enjoy that are Canadian and that I don't want to hurl whenever I listen to them. Since Dion and Arcade Fire are local, I am constantly hearing their shit everywhere I go. I don't mind Arcade Fire so much but if I hear another rendition of "My Heart Will Go On", I am going to go postal!

 If you are into the Gothabilly/surf style type of music, this would probably be a go-to band to listen to. I like to tell people that this is the Beach Boys gone goth. Enjoy!

Monday, 16 October 2017

Shadows of the Imp

Thanks to my weight loss, my self confidence has increased. Not only did I get an excuse to buy some new outfits, I also am learning new ways to wear old items.Very recently, I gained the self confidence to wear a t-shirt as a long dress (usually with Leggings or tight pants) and was quite pleased.

The pic below was my source for inspiration, in fact, I used to always envy the alternative models for being able to pull off this look because I personally felt like this didn't suit me in the past:
This is where I got the image

I felt more confident pulling this off recently when I tried on my Depeche Mode t-shirt I got at the concert. There are times, I love "short girl problems!" and this is one of those times! The shirt fits me well and covers enough where my backside isn't too exposed!

Taken before the black hair!!! Overly priced concert t-shirt for the win! Go me!!!

I am wearing a Headless Horseman t-shirt that I am happy I get to keep because my son picked it out for me! The shirt is a size too big and I am glad I found a nice way to wear it!

Yes, my hair is wet in these photos, haha!!!

Friday, 13 October 2017

Paint it black

As most of you know by now, I am on sick leave due to anxiety and panic attacks. I am trying to get myself out of this funk. I think I am doing better than I was a couple of weeks ago. I am trying really hard to focus on the positive. Getting up in the morning and finding motivation to do anything is hard.Yes, I know, I am NOT a morning person but this time, it is different. It feels like I am slipping away and I don't want to feel that way so I set goals and try to do at least 3 things in one day, otherwise, I feel like a complete loser and then, this whole vicious circle starts. I don't want that!!!

The main goal I have for myself is to get better, not get worst! I have been forcing myself to shower, get dressed, and put on makeup everyday because this is one thing that makes me feel better about myself. Like always, while I do feel slightly uncomfortable posting about these things online, I have been doing so because there is so much stigma associated with mental illness and I think we should be more open about it. Even I can be closed minded at times and I think it is very positive to speak up! Since I have been so verbal about my experiences, you have no idea how many people have come to me (either in real life or online) to thank me. So many people have battled an invisible illness and they ended up feeling isolated because of it. This makes me feel sad, therefore, I will continue doing what I do best: putting my own two cents in!!!!

Now back to my story, I remembered an unopened box of black hairdye that I had around the house for about a year now. The red was fun while it lasted but I thought "why the hell, now?" and I must admit, I feel so much better. I feel like "me" again! I even found an unopened purple eyeshadow I bought eons ago. I figured this would be the best time to use it.It is amazing what some "new" makeup and a change of hair colour can do!

P.S. Happy Friday the 13th!

Wednesday, 11 October 2017

Remembering my Dad

For those of you who followed me here from my old blog, would probably remember reading some posts I wrote about my dad. I was very close with him growing up. He was my rock and the person I always went to for comfort. When he passed away, I was still quite young myself and to this day, there are times I am still angry at him for not taking better care of his health, for dying so young and leaving me to fend for myself. I still mourn his passing and the past couple of days,with what is going on in my personal life, these are the times I miss him the most. His birthday was very recent as well as the date he passed away is around the corner. I love October, I love Halloween but October is a doubled-edged sword for me. It is reminders of what was left behind. It is like a smack across the face whenever I see those dates on a calendar since these dates are reminders that he is gone. It is a reminder of what I lost. I feel abandoned.

I am sincerely grateful for my family and friends who are here to support me, I am so lucky to have such amazing, positive people in my life and I do love them all dearly but I still miss my dad. I miss his comfort, where ironically enough, most people would probably think he wasn't very good at the whole comforting process! It is a good thing, I am not like most people. He was the more logical one between the both of us but I knew I can always sit down with him for a good cup of tea (he was part Brit, he thought tea was the answer to everything!) and his presence was comforting. I think he was comforting because I don't like to be coddled while I am having an emotional breakdown and he didn't do that, he just listened. He didn't get upset, he didn't try to hug me, or to tell me to calm down. In fact, he didn't show any emotion. He was stoic. He let me talk and made me tea. By doing so, he was able to get me to "come down" and look at the situation in a more logical, rational manner.

I inherited a lot from my dad. I learned to remain calm in the face of crisis and pull out my inner Spock when needed. Through him,  I learned to question the norm and not follow the herd. He also made Halloween fun every year! He got me into music (albeit Musicals and classical music) and he always encouraged me to try new things. In many ways, it is thanks to him that I became Goth. My dad was never really into my music (although there were a few songs from The Cure he complimented on) and never in a million years he would have called himself a Goth but he got me into other aspects of the subculture. My dad often walked around wearing one of his many fedoras, a long black leather trench coat, and sometimes a cane. He told me he didn't really need the cane but he thought it looked cool. I later "borrowed on a permanent basis" that trench coat and wore it until it fell apart. He liked vampires and we often talked about folklore or myths surrounding them. In fact, my dad introduced me to Bela Lugosi! When I told him I used to like going to cemeteries for the sake of going there, he never found it odd like some family members did but asked if he could join me for a stroll!

Part of me wanted to keep this blog less personal and more fashion/lifestyle related but I felt like I had to honor one of the most influential people in my life. I do like to write about being Goth and what being part of this subculture means to me (be it music, fashion, literature,silly stories from my younger years, etc) but my dad was up there too. In a way, he was sort of a gateway into me finding Goth as a teenager! Nonetheless, his memory deserves the mention so thanks dad, for everything. I completed my Padawan training and now it is my time to pass down what you taught me to my apprentice.Thanks for the lovely memories, especially the ones where you helped me scare the shit out of the neighborhood kids on Halloween!

Friday, 6 October 2017

Being a Goth Mom with a school aged child

When I came back to Goth, many years ago, my son was in daycare. I slowly transitioned into Goth and some parents looked at me strange. I didn't really care. I never fit in with "normal" people anyway. At that time, my son went to a ritzy daycare. I showed up in my Pontiac while the majority of the other parents showed up in BMWs

My kid started kindergarten. This is another prestigious school. Yes, there were middle class families like ours but the majority lived in the rich neighborhood and dropped their kids off in BMWs and Mercedes. My son was labelled the bad kid at school because he stood up for himself against his bully.

Last year was hell. We complained to the school board because again, Philip did not fit into this convenient little box and well,he was very politely kicked out of school. You see, this isn't a private school but since he has a learning disability, the school conveniently "did not have sufficient resources to help him" which is a load of bullshit because it is law that all children are entitled to a free, public education here in Canada.

My kid is now at a special program where he is excelling and at a less prestigious school. He is now reading well on his own, although with some difficulty but is excelling at Math.

Turns out, another parent, who's child also attended the snobby upper class school went through the EXACT same thing with her son. Now our kids are attending the same school and are much, much happier. That is another thing, I am not snubbed or whispered at behind my back as often because I am the weirdo mom. That is a nice change!

I hate to say it folks, I never fully saw exactly to what the extent we were judged by the school administration as well as the other parents when Philip was attending the "super snobby school." In fact, I only had this epiphany recently since my kid is now at a different school where there are students from all walks of life.

It is a breathe of fresh air to walk into a school with without people staring at me, to have the staff make me feel welcomed and the principal who truly takes an interest in my son and his academics.  The kids who go to this school, come from all sorts of families and as a result, we are better accepted there. We never fit in with the rich snobby types either, there is a reason why we moved away from the suburbs when we grew up!

I don't have any sound advice to give fellow goth parents. I will not tone down to "fit in" but this was a harsh lesson that my family had to learn. It sucks.

On the upside, my kid is being treated like a kid, not some statistic so the school can boost about it's high level of success and academics. This gives me a chance to breathe.

For the record, would I stop dressing Goth because of this? Fuck no! I learned that no matter what I do as a parent, it will be scrutinized. I might as well give these bitches something good to talk about!

For the record, here is some fun before and after pics:

Wednesday, 4 October 2017

Hello fall: My most favourite time of the year!

Fall means Halloween, warm clothing, and pumpkin everything. This is my most favourite time of the year!

Monday, 2 October 2017

One foot in front of the other

"... We waged a war with Hell, and look, we still survive
But just because we live does not mean that we’re alive
We’ve won the final round, but how to enjoy the win
When we’ve been broken down and we’ll never know what could have been
Heaven help us, where do we begin?

One foot in front of the other foot
In front of the one foot in front of the other foot
In front of the one foot in front of the other foot..." - Emilie Autumn

If you read this blog, you would know that I have been feeling poorly lately. I even did a ranty video about mental illness. I would simply like to share some of my experiences with anxiety and depression to raise awareness as well as to let others who are in a similar position that they are not alone.

Here is the video I made:

In addition, you will see below some selfies I have taken. Clearly, I don't look sick, now do I? I don't mean to sound whiny here (hell, I did enough bitching in my video!!!) I simply want to point out the stigma behind mental illness. This is what I let the world see: a beautiful young woman who isn't afraid to express herself.

What I don't let others see: The tears, the panic attacks, the thoughts that run through my head  because most people don't want to hear that. In all honesty, I don't blame them. I look so put together, now don't I? Most people probably would have never believed me that I had a panic attack a while before the photo was taken. This is not a phase. I have been dealing with this for many, many years and usually, under ordinary circumstances, I have my shit together. Unfortunately, personal events happened in my life, events that were unfortunately out of my control and I realized I was going down a slippery slope and fast!

With all this , I know that I need to take care of me in order to be the bat-mom my son needs.If it means wearing clothing or putting on some makeup to help me, then that's what I will do.In fact, it is healthy. Even my therapist suggested I do one thing that makes me happy every day because it turns out, I put so much pressure on myself to be the perfect wife, the perfect mom, the perfect employee that I forgot the most important person: me. I should matter.

This one thing a day can mean many things. For me, sometimes it is getting dressed in my pretty clothes and if I feel up to it, put on some basic makeup. If I can't, at least go buy a nice pumpkin spiced latte in my old sweat pants! It can mean just taking my dog out for a walk or taking a bath undisturbed. There are days, I stay in sweat pants and t-shirts and my hair is unwashed. Those are the days most people don't see.

I also learned to let go of the negative people. You know, the ones who say stupid things about "well if she can spend so much time on her look, she is able to work" or "she is doing it to stay home due to the unusual summer weather we are having this late in the year." I find that statement hilarious because I make it clear to everyone just how much I detest the heat! They will never get it but I can use their stupidity/ignorance to write about my experiences so others in the same situation could at least know this: the problem doesn't lie with you. It lies with them. Take care of yourself! You matter. Be kind to yourself.

With all that, there are so many people I want to thank for their support; especially my friends and family. To all the musicians who's songs and lyrics were able to soothe me. I could never get through this without you. I am getting better, one day at a time.

Wednesday, 27 September 2017

Alternative blogger of the month: Giggles In The Darkness


As some of you may know, every last Wednesday of the month, I try to feature a fairly new Goth (or alternative) blogger in hopes to help the person build more readership.

This post is dedicated to the lovely Sarrah Settara from the blog Giggles In The Darkness.

I  am a huge fan of her blog. If this girl could only live closer to me, I would probably be really good friends with her. Her posts are fun to read and she gets over caffeinated just like me. I would love to see the both of us together during these rushes! Wheeeeee! Her posts are never boring, she is silly and just plain cute!

Sarrah is a fairly recent blogger. Her first post was from July of this year where she displayed some of her artwork she made as gifts. Her last post is from today and I have to admit, I chuckled at her post.

So please go show her some love and I hope you enjoy reading her blog!

If you want to be featured here for an upcoming Blogger Of The Month post, please don't be shy to message me! I don't bite.....much!!!!

Monday, 25 September 2017

Growing up Goth during the nineties in Montreal

 *If this post sounds familiar, it was recently published in my old, discontinued blog. I regurgitated here*
I was born and raised in the suburbs of Montreal, Quebec, Canada, which is a bilingual city with French and English speaking people. It is also a very cosmopolitan city that has people from many walks of life and it is not uncommon to hear someone speak a different language other than English or French. Growing up, I hated (still do!) the suburbs and dreamed I could live downtown because that's where all the cool people are! In many ways, I still hold this sentiment!

I hated living in the suburbs or the West Island as most people call it but to this day, I still refer to that area as the Waste Island. Most people laugh at me for growing up in that area because it is very uncommon for a Goth to live there. Think Edward Scissorhands when he was living with a family in the burbs and you will get an idea what it was like! I am sure there were many West Island Goths but I never stuck around in that area to really have an opportunity to meet most of them. Whenever I was stuck in the Waste Island, I made the most of my situation by going to the river at the end of my street. It was one of my favourite drinking (and make-out) spots!

This is a picture found off the "interweb" of the street from Edward Scissorhands. I swear, this looks like my mom's street minus the brightly coloured houses.

I also lived right near a train station that would take me to the downtown core in 25 minutes, which was much better than the 90 minutes it would normally take should I decide to take the buses and metro to get there. Thanks to the train, most of my time was spent downtown.

I hated living in the Waste Island because from personal experiences, most of the people were snobby and uptight. I was often ridiculed or even scolded for the way I dressed. As a teenager, I was so proud of a cape I knitted for myself out of wool and would often parade around wearing it. I didn't care how hot it was and often wore it in the middle of a summer heat wave! It was not uncommon to be stared at. Now, I can see why people looked at me funny (seriously a wool cape on a hot summer's day) but even today, I get gawked at. Even toned down.

While I was not legally the drinking age (which luckily for me, it is 18 over here) but sometimes, I got into the clubs. Partying downtown was a huge pain in the ass because the last train leaves the station at 12:25am. Being by myself, I felt unsafe taking the night bus alone and should I miss the last train, I was often stranded at a shady part of the city. I remember being stuck there several times and my parents got annoyed with me for calling them in the middle of the night for a ride. Remember, this is before cellphones became accessible and I would have to call my folks collect. I would often request the ride before the recording ended so my Mom wouldn't have to bitch about added fees to her phone bill every month. I am serious. My mom would answer and she would hear the following "you got a collect call from - Mom its me, I am stuck at Spot Bowling. Come get me" and she would have enough time to say ok and hang up. I remember this one time, this creeper kept making unwanted advances at me. I was still quite young and this was a grown man. I was so scared that I flagged down a police car and the guy bolted. The cops gave me a ride home! I can still remember the look on my parents faces when they saw me at the door with two police officers!

I eventually made friends with some elder goths who well, were much, much older than me. I was lucky that many of them not only were there to help me avoid a lot of embarrassing baby bat wardrobe mistakes but also invited me to crash at their place once the clubs closed for the night! Most of these clubs don't exist anymore, unfortunately. I remember one place I went to once or twice called (how original) The Vampire Lounge. Apparently, it was owned by the mob! I don't know how true this is.

On Tuesday nights, I would listen to a Goth radio program called "Les Mouches Noires"

For those familiar with the author of The Goth Bible, Nancy Kilpatrick, I got to meet her. She is an awesome lady and we keep in touch via social media.

I remember those 99 cent pizza places. Those were the best places to go and have a quick bite to eat after a night of drinking!

I went to a High School that had a uniform. Yuck! I did leave that school my graduating year to attend an alternative school but apparently, I was informed by several people that the school officials changed the rules to specifically include "no ripped or fish net stockings" because of me and some other students.

I went to see Clan Of Xymox perform at Fouf's. It was the first Goth band I got to see play live. Rhea's Obsession was the opening band.

Movies like The Crow and The Craft came out and I remember watching them religiously. I remember wanting to look like Fairuza Balk (Nancy) Shows like Buffy The Vampire Slayer, The X-Files and Charmed played on TV.

There was a magic shop called Le Melange Magique/Magickal Blend which sold so many wonderful occult items and had a bunch of cats wandering around the store. The owner never minded us loitering there!

I remember shopping at Cruella (closed down several years ago) and Diabolik (still open, I still go there!) There was an amazing thrift store called Eva B which I have not been to in a long time. I think they are still open. I remember discovering Rio X20 for Doc Martens.

I might have hated highschool but I have so many fond memories of my youth. I was pretty wild back then but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world!

Friday, 22 September 2017

It really is a delicate dependency

Back when I was a teenager, I had this huge crush on a certain blonde haired, blue eyed gothic cutie. I think the attraction stemmed from the fact that he was one of the only goths I knew at that time that kept his natural hair color. He slightly resembled the vampire Lestat, or so I thought anyways. Nothing really came of my crush but he did make a pretty awesome friend. I remember sleeping over at a friend's place after a full night of hardcore partying and he played the "Music for Vampires, A Delicate Dependency" compilation CD for us to unwind from the night. I was completely smitten with the album as much as I was with him! Remember folks, back then, when I was a teenager in the nineties, we had to work to discover new Goth bands and compilation CDs were a great way to get introduced to new music!

While my crush faded away, my affections for the compilation album never wavered. In fact, it was my go-to compilation CD after a night of clubbing. Remember I am from the era of mix tapes and CDs, we had no MP3 (or Youtube or Spotify) play lists back then!

The compilation itself doesn't have many songs, perhaps it isn't the best of gothic compilations I ever listened to over the years but it is something that I personally find relaxing and allows me to revisit my youth. I remember all the good times I had going out with my fellow creatures of the night; How we would parade around in fishnet stockings in the middle of the winter or how we would wear velvet in the middle of a summer heat wave.

Listening to that album brings me back to a time where life was simple. I used to listen to this when I was a student and studying for upcoming tests. I had jobs where I could wear what I wanted and not had to worry about toning it down. I sometimes look back at that little blonde haired cutie who used to tie his hair in a ponytail with a black ribbon and wonder what happened to him after all these years.

I remember the opera piece freaking out my father. Is my daughter listening to opera, what?

The Schubert piece always got blared in my room, much to my father's delight as he loved Classical music. Little did he know; this piece was played in the movie "The Hunger" which starred David Bowie. That movie also has that famous opening scene with Peter Murphy performing "Bela Lugosi's Dead" I did honestly like Classical musical but like most teenagers, it wasn't my first choice of music to listen to.

I accidentally left my Discman (again, before Smartphones, I Pods, or even MP3 players) on the train with this CD inside. I never bothered re-purchasing it either, I wonder why. I guess it never really occurred to me but it is still a compilation that is held so close to my heart today because it introduced me to The Cocteau Twins!

So, if anyone out there was a baby bat in the nineties with me, I wonder if this compilation will bring back memories for you too just like it does for me.

P.S. I have most of these songs already (now in MP3 format) but I did re-purchase this CD again, by the way. Just for nostalgia!

And I found the entire compilation here on Youtube!You're welcome!

Wednesday, 20 September 2017

Monthly MusicSpotlight: Foghorn Lonesome

Image taken from Foghorn Lonesome's FB page
Considering Foghorn Lonesome is a fairly new band that has only been around for the past 6 years, unfortunately, I do not have much info to give you on them. According to their Facebook page, Foghorn Lonesome was founded by Eric Sparkwood in 2011 and is from Sweden (I swear, the Swedes and Germans make some bad-ass Darkwave!) I strongly suggest you give this band a listen. I was very impressed by the sound and later, the lyrics. I generally listen to the music first then focus on the lyrics the second time around.

I like to write about bands that have a connection or some sort of silly story with me. Since I very recently, got into this band, the reason why  I chose to feature them for my Monthly Music Spotlight was because their song "Watership Down" is source of comfort to me because I have not been feeling very well these past few days.This band is helping me through a very rough period and I am very grateful for their music. In addition, since this is a new band, by featuring them here on this blog, my goal is to help them build an audience.I think this is a great way for me to support the Goth community, especially musicians who help keep the subculture alive. I really hope you enjoy!

Monday, 18 September 2017

Walking in my boots

"...Now I'm not looking for absolution
Forgiveness for the things i do
But before you come to any conclusions
Try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes
You'll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments i kept
If you try walking in my shoes..." - Depeche Mode

This post was pulled from my previous blog that is no longer active. It is very relevant today. Especially with what I am going through with my anxiety issues. I have edited the article to reflect the present day.

When I came back to Goth several years ago, I lost many friends for various reasons. Now that I am dealing with mental health issues, I am doing some spring cleaning with some friendships. Funny enough, ALL my Goth friends have been super supportive, understanding and nice.It is the more conservative people that I heard some rumblings from.

I am going to rehash about losing my best friend. You see, we became really close during my "normal" phase and I am uncertain whether or not she knew that I was Goth beforehand. She knew I was a bit eccentric but I had a lot in common with her. We liked fashion and makeup. We were best friends for about 2 years until I pretty much ditched her.

You see, my life took off in so many wonderful ways. I had a lot of positive things going for me. I was coming back to Goth and I knew she wouldn't accept it.

In fact, I still remember the last time I saw her. I was in full Goth attire. I had randomly bumped into her. She had no advance warning. All she could do was stare at me in utter shock and disbelief. The only thing she could do was ask me over and over again if I was depressed and comment on my purple hair. I was very blonde the last time she saw me. It was really awkward. My husband noticed the tension between us and commented later on in private that he could have cut the tension with a butter knife.

I think it was not long after that awkward encounter she unfriended me from Facebook. In fact, I believe it took me several months to even realize she unfriended me! I wasn't surprised because some mutual friends commented that she thought I was too weird for her and she didn't want to associate with people like me.

This taught me a valuable lesson recently. You see, in a lot of ways, now that I am going through this anxiety bullshit, I KNOW I am being judged by the more conservative, ignorant people just like when I was judged for coming back to Goth. This doesn't bother me. What made me realize, and to some extend, bothers me is the fact that I can be so quick to label people myself without knowing their full story. I am doing the same thing that was done to me!  I realized that there is so much stigma associated with mental illness it made me take a step back and think what invisible demons these people fighting that I don't know about? While I stand true to myself and will always have little respect towards people who are intolerant assholes (it is hard to feel sorry for people who judge others), it has made me aware that so many people are probably in my shoes right now and I would probably never know about it. In the past, I never understood why or how someone would let themselves get this far (the severity of the anxiety where they need to be on sick-leave from work) and now I do. You really don't know their story.

Friday, 15 September 2017

Wednesday, 13 September 2017

An Ode to my dear friend, anxiety; A personal what is going on in my life post

Well friends, looks like I spent too much time "faking being well" because the stress and anxiety finally got the better of me. I am on sick leave. I feel like shit.

There is so much personal issues going on in my life that I am finding it hard to juggle a full time job, a child in school (and who was having difficulties with it) and everything else. Rest assured, my husband, child and pets are all well and things are going well for them.

For me, it all started with the occasional panic attack. I thought I was able to handle it. Last week, I was so frustrated I wanted to drive my car into a wall (but didn't) and I still thought I will be ok. I just needed to get certain things sorted first. I am not sleeping. I am waking up in the wee hours, feeling choked and having one panic attack after an other. I am getting migraines all the time.

I finally threw in the towel and went to my Doctor's yesterday. I had a panic attack and then broke down in her office.

Now, I am home and I forcing myself out of bed. I am forcing myself to tie up loose ends at my work, I am forcing myself to tidy my home because I won't let this beat me down. I just didn't shower or wash my hair or anything today but fuck it. I got out of bed and dealt with my job. I did SOMETHING today so I don't feel like a complete loser.

I am resting and as much as I feel like a failure right now, I am trying to remind myself of all the things I did accomplish in such a short period of time. Especially this week where I had to make some really hard decisions.

I will still be posting to this blog because I am not going to give up on the things I enjoy doing but I will be regurgitating a lot of old posts from my old blog for a while. I will edit them. I am too stubborn to let this anxiety completely consume me. I am hoping that I can eventually find humour in this situation to laugh about it.

If anyone out there who does suffer from anxiety. Hold tight, it just means you have been strong for too long. You got this!

Monday, 11 September 2017

The day my child was born

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise..." - The Beatles

I think most parents will always remember the day their child was born. The joy and happiness the birth of a baby brings, especially the moment you first hold that child in your arms.

For me, I felt all these things too but there was so much sadness, stress, and danger that the end result only made all that trouble so worth it.  You see, by the end of my pregnancy, I was considered high risk. I was put on bed rest and things could have went horrible wrong for the both of us.

To this day, I still remember the fear and sadness I felt when the doctor told me that I was most probably going to have a C-section and I was to be on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy.

I worried that I was going to lose my son. I felt like I was a loser mom because I probably wouldn't be able to carry a baby to term. All these sad thoughts kept me up at night and in the end, I had good reason to.

I remember the days I spent on bed rest. I spent them in the nursery we had set up for the baby. By them, I had already nested several weeks prior and every thing was all set up, ready to go. I thought monkeys were cute and decided to put monkey decals all over the walls. The crib sheets had monkeys on them and so did his mobile in his crib.I remember napping on my comfy chair. Did I ever love that chair and ottoman!

My now deceased cat, Riddles. The reason for keeping a blanket (made by my mom) on the chair.

I also refused to leave that room because it brought me close to a baby that might not even be born alive. I felt connected to my son there and I felt comfort and safe. I remember the sound of Loreena Mckennitt's voice playing in the background and how I would plead with the universe to allow me that chance to be a mother. I remember when I was under suicide watch as a teenager and my psychiatrist at the hospital asked me if there was anything I could live for. At that time, it was very hard to find something but I knew deep down, I wanted to be a mom some day. I knew in order to do so, I had to turn my life around and battle this horrible mental illness because I wanted to be a great mom. Every part of my being was tied up in that baby. I found my reason to choose life. It scared to wonder what I could potentially do should these dreams of becoming a mom come crashing down? How could I possibly pick up the pieces and recover from this?

The reason for my bed rest, I had placenta Previa. I thought, okay, a lot of women get placenta Previa, it is not the end of the world. What I didn't know at that time just how potentially serious this was for me. Placenta Previa is when a clot forms on the placenta. For many women, this may not be too serious but it could be serious if the clot shifts to the umbilical cord. One of the signs of this condition is bleeding, like when you are on your period.

My husband still remembers the first trip right after I had my first bleed and still hasn't completely forgiven me for pleading with the nurse to not worry about my life; Just please save my baby.

About a week later, I saw more blood and off to the hospital we went! It was a false alarm and I was sent back home and back on bed rest.

Every movement my baby made was a comfort. I knew he was OK. He was still alive. Perhaps I may sound melodramatic here but I am a very anxious person, these thoughts and fears were very real to me.

Another week went by and there was a lot more blood. In fact, it resembled a scene to a horror movie. This was obviously not normal. We were smart, my bag was already in the car's trunk along with the car seat. We were ready to rock and roll! Just like the last two times, I was hooked up to the monitors. The sound of my baby's heartbeat echoed through the room and by hearing his heartbeat, I knew my son was OK and I was able to sleep. I felt safe. The next day I was examined by my doctor and was told that I was going to be admitted for the remainder of my pregnancy. They ran more tests and I had to have another ultrasound. The results, I could only assume, were not very positive, my condition did not improve and got worst. This is when the doctor had a serious chat with me.

She didn't reveal anything to me,  I believe she didn't want me to panic but she simply asked me how I felt physically and emotionally. I told her that I was done with being scared. I was tired and stressed. That on Friday, I was going to be 37 weeks, my baby was going to be considered full term. While we originally discussed natural births, that plan is now out the window. I wanted a C-section and I wanted the baby out! I told her that my gut feeling was that the only way my baby was going to be safe was in my arms. She seemed happy with my response and even agreed with me. She was probably hoping for that response.  My surgery was scheduled for that Friday.

While I was being prepped for surgery and given the epidural and what not, I found it odd that my husband wasn't in the room with me. I needed him to protect me from the big scary needle that was going to go into my spine! I can take a tattoo or piercing any day but any kind of medical needle, I am a big chicken! Little did I know, the doctor was chatting with him and that was holding him up. She told him that there was a 50% chance one of us or even worse, both of us may not survive the ordeal. To be prepared to either walk out with both of us, one of us, or worse, by himself. My condition had worsened but they both felt best that I don't know. If I panic, my blood pressure goes up, my heart pumps more blood, there's a higher rate of blood lost. If I would have tensed my muscles, the clot could have burst during surgery or burst while they were opening me up to take the baby out. The baby could have drowned. There was a chance I could have hemorrhaged to death as well. While I am still mad about being left in the dark about this, I can see why the doctor went about it that way. If I were in her shoes, I would have done the same thing.

Obviously we both beat the odds. I like to think my son and I are both resilient and stubborn! To this day, I can still remember being told that I am going to feel pressure, just like toothpaste coming out of its tube and it felt just like that. I remember the room being silent, except for the hum of the machines. I remember the coldness from the metal beneath me on my bare skin. The baby was born but the room was still silent. "Why isn't he crying?" I thought. I slowly panic inside, the heart monitor reveals my fear! I ask them "why isn't he crying? Where is my baby?" It seems like my voice awakened something because I heard his first cry. I kept telling myself "I am not going to cry" but the moment they put that baby next to me while they washed the remainder of the gunk off, I got to see his big blue eyes, very much like my own, his little face, the chubby cheeks (which he still has today, by the way) I felt the tears wanting to come. We just laid there for a few moments, staring at each other. It all felt surreal. "I am not going to cry" I kept foolishly telling myself but it was too late, the tears welled up.

My husband got to hold him first. He deserved it after what he was told by the doctor. I remember the doctor laying out the placenta and showing us in amazement the clot. It was right on the umbilical cord and was a little bigger than the size of a grapefruit! The doctor took pictures and called in other medical staff and interns to examine the placenta. Pictures were even taken for future medical reference! The nurses surrounded me while I was being wheeled out to see the miracle baby. In fact, I was visited by lots of nurses and doctors because they wanted to see the mom and baby who survived.

I never believed in miracles until that day. Whenever my son misbehaves and I get frustrated, I look back at that day and remember how lucky we are to have him in our lives. I remember all that joy he brought me and I cannot imagine my life without him. I take the messy, noisy house, small bank account and all the chaos any day! Being a parent is my biggest accomplishment and while it can be the biggest pain in the ass at times, it is the most rewarding job I ever had.

As I look back to those days, especially on his birthday (which was this Sunday, the 10th of September) I am reminded of how far we came and how much we have to look forward to. We have so many years ahead of us and I can't wait to continue to watch him grow up. There was a time in my life, I once falsely believed that life wasn't worth living and by seeing this beautiful baby cling to life, even fight for it gave me a renewed sense of hope. Life is very short and very previous. I do not plan on wasting another minute of it.

"Little things used to mean so much to Shelly- I used to think they were kind of trivial. Believe me, nothing is trivial. " - The Crow

Friday, 8 September 2017

What happened after I rediscovered Goth - the chronicles of a thirty something year old baby bat

 When I originally published this post on my old Little Corp Goth Girl blog, I only came back to Goth a year or two prior. I considered myself a "baby bat" at that time because when I was originally Goth in the 90's as a teenager, in my area, we didn't really have that term. When I came back to the subculture in my mid thirties, and discovered such a term existed, I was enthralled (I do realize some people don't share this sentiment). I thought it was cute and I was also little sad. Am I too old to be called a baby bat? Yes, in my enthusiasm, I wanted to be called one! I realized the subculture changed a little from what I remembered and in a way, I was rediscovering many things for the first time. For instance, back in my day, Cyber Goth, didn't have those wires/dread thingies in their hair, I think it was just beginning at that time. I remember thinking how cool they all looked! Back in my day (fuck, I sound old) Cyber was just starting to emerge. In fact, in Montreal, people referred to them as Gravers (Gothic ravers) and I thought that was really cool! In addition, a little off topic, what I have noticed about Montreal is how inclusive we really are. No one really cares whether or not someone is a Cyber/Rivet head/ or insert subset of Goth here. You are one of us and if you are really cool, we will accept you. I don't venture out as much as I would like (kid, health problems, "adulting" bullshit) but when I do, while I am sure there are assholes out there, they seem to be very few and far between. If any locals reading this, if you want to chime in and help out this recluse, please do so!

I had a very good knowledge on the subculture when I came back. I didn't properly express this in my original post, back in my old blog. For some reason, much to my surprise, this very post got really popular. Many people often asked if I was new to goth, being in my thirties and what it was like. I would like to make this clear . I was goth as a kid. I wasn't experiencing the subculture for the first time! The Goth virginity ship sailed a long time ago! I was Goth for many years but unfortunately, the pressures of conforming got to me. I got engaged, wanted kids, it was during the recession, I was looking for work, and well, I just stopped wearing black and paying attention to what was happening in the subculture. It was the most depressing time of my life. So, this is what happened to me when I came back to Goth and some of the push back I received:

I have to say, 90% of the people who knew me were not surprised. Most probably didn't even care. Some made a joke that I grew out of my "normal" phase and glad to see I was no longer depressed. It was no big deal.

Then there were the others. The Tribbles (re: normies) as I like to call them who had nothing but negative things to say. Not only did these people stab me in the back but I was also stabbed in the front. Be forewarned. It may not happen to you but it always seems someone has something to say!

These people greeted me with open arms when they saw photos of me on social media with blonde hair, bright blue shirts and how I looked like everyone else. They accepted me. It felt good to get approval because in the past, they made it very clear that they didn't approve of my goth phase.

"You look so normal now", "look at that blonde hair, let's hang out", "no offense, I didn't really want to hang out with you when you were goth. I was embarrassed to be seen with you" Normalcy=immediate acceptance despite the fact I still had my odd, quirky personality.

When I ditched the whole "normal" charade, the Tribbles once again said all sorts of things, they even tried to give me advice and even implied that I was being selfish because I am a mom now. I should dress the part!  Did you know that being a mom entailed a uniform? Behind my back and even to my face, it was said that I was doing it to attract male attention. We all know that stereotype! Some of them said that  I am a mother now and I shouldn't be viewed as a sex symbol because you know, to these people, Goth means just that. Being a mom meant wearing an apron and baking cookies and shit. Oh yeah, and speaking about being a woman, I was asked very personal questions whether or not I was going to have a second one when my son turned two years old. Some of them knew full well the difficulties I had with conceiving and child birth.  Sorry, I am not a tribble, I don't procreate like one either! Ha! No, that was not why I called them that. In Star Trek, Tribbles all look a like and they multiply like crazy. I originally called them Tribbles because of them looking a like, the procreation part came later!

It seems like my body and what I decided to do with it was coming at me from all angles.The funny thing is, when I was "normal" you don't know how many whistles I received from strange men. You don't know how many unwanted advances I got from from people. You would think it was the other way around since stereotypically speaking, goths are supposedly easy, I must be having affairs every night! Jeez, I wonder where I would find time for that with a small child to take care of but anyways. That one amused me the most.

The all time best, it was greatly implied that I was a bad mother because I started dressing goth again. Oh noes! Can you believe it? How dare I raise my child to have an open mind? Shame on me! Damn me to hell!

Another classic "what would your husband say?" Like my husband would be daft enough to tell me what to do with my body! He knew me in High School. He met me as a goth. We started dating when I was still goth. While he was supportive, he was kind of sad that I ditched the clothing. Not because of anyway he viewed me, because he knew that the clothing represented who I am. He was happy and is usually more than willing to overlook my spending towards new clothing items today and every other damned day!

Some people just stopped talking to me altogether. They never seen me as a little Gothling, only as the normal Barbie doll incarnation so they were shocked. One person said "we have nothing in common anymore" although I pointed out that nothing really changed except for my clothes.

I was accused of having some midlife crisis. I couldn't handle being a new mom. I was depressed. I didn't know being in my early thirties was considered mid-life? Is it?

My all time favourite "I really like you. I really want to be your friend but I just wish you could dress normal like everyone else" That one cracked me up. I never knew friendship meant having a dress code.

Some people just unfriended me from Facebook. I blinked and they were gone!

The thing is, none of that bothered me. Being unfriended on Facebook really was like the trash was taking itself out for me! It was wonderful! The people who mattered, didn't make a big deal about it. The nicest thing someone told me once is that I make a cool mom. It helped me find out who my real friends were.

So if you are thinking of dusting off your old pair of Doc Martens and cutting your hair into a death hawk after all these years, why not? What do you have to lose? Nothing. In fact, you gain new friends, you keep the good ones and you can re-experience the whole subculture once again.This time as an adult! I know this maybe biased but come on... you know you want to!Besides, in my opinion, isn't part of being Goth a way of saying "fuck you" to the mainstream? Well, it is to for me, at any rate.

Wednesday, 6 September 2017

Thank you for bringing me here, for showing me home. Depeche Mode concert

Last night, I was privy to some really good seats and by good seats, I mean I was probably in the 10th row from the center stage for the Depeche Mode concert. This is all thanks to my friend's amazing ticket buying skills and my bank account cried a little when I purchased my ticket back in March. Like last summer, when I went to see The Cure, Depeche Mode was on my bucket concert list. I have been listening to this band for two decades! I did not regret my purchase! That was a really fucking awesome concert. If you can get tickets in your area, you should go, it was a real treat for me!

I did go to work yesterday and was in a rush afterwards to get to the Bell Centre early (I wanted to buy t-shirts) so I wore something that can easily be gothed up by wearing a corset over it. While my work is a little more lenient over dress codes than most places, I know corsets would be a big no-no and besides, I would be uncomfortable wearing one all day! I decided to go with my faux corset. It is more of a corset belt than an actual corset but I thought it looked cool with my dress! The entire dress is made of lace with a nice plain black fabric underneath. You don't really see the lace pass my stomach since I am wearing leggings underneath.

I also wore heels and regretted it. I had floor level tickets. We all stood up through the entire concert but I had socks so I took my shoes off! A girl's gotta do, what a girl's gotta do! I left to get to the concert in a hurry and forgot to put on my Doc Martens1 I really should have worn the Docs in the morning but I was also in a hurry to leave and didn't have time to lace up 14 holes!  I swear, I should win an award for playing beat-the-clock on a daily basis! Method to my madness!

Here is an example of where I was sitting. Sorry about the quality. Took the pic with my phone. Back in my day, we used lighters, now we use our cell phones!

I took these photos in a rush. I almost lost my balance (I am a klutz) so I cropped it as much as I could. Look at my sexy blurry arm...wooooh!!!

Originally, I wasn't going to post this but I lost a lot of weight and am quite proud of my ass so I thought I would show it off!!!!

Lastly, I did post some very short live videos last night on my personal Facebook. Since it was filmed via Smartphone, the sound is shitty but you can get a general idea of what went on. I did share my favourite video on this blog's Facebook page. I highly recommend you go check it out. Feel free to "like" my page too.

Monday, 4 September 2017

DIY idea: welcome sign

*Taken from the old blog but meh...I had fun doing this so I thought I would put it here*

I wanted to put up a welcoming sign in my front hall but I am too cheap to buy something fancy! I went to my local dollar store and bought: a paint canvas (about $3.00), black acrylic paint (about $1.50) and a silver marker pen (about $1.50) That's right folks, the total project cost me under $10.00! I also bought extra brushes too.

Now, I simply painted the entire canvas black and then hung it to dry. I was surprised that the thing dried rather quickly, I was planning on doing the rest the next day but ended up doing it all in the same day! 

What I liked about this project was when I made a spelling error and I totally screwed up drawing my bat. I just re-painted it all over again with my acrylic paint. I suggest buying two silver pens, mine was running out fast. 

This is the finished product:

Can you guess where this quote is from? Just in case, it reads: "...Welcome to my house. Come freely. Go safely; and leave something of the happiness you bring"


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